Author Archives: Kat
The Bible refers to Jesus as “A man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” (Isaiah 53:3) What does that mean? Jesus is the Son of God, He is God. Never do we read how Jesus suffered depression, yet he is “A man of sorrows.” As I sit and ponder this I wonder, should we embrace our pain? What does that even look like?
If I embrace my pain, I am no longer fighting it. Not holding back tears, denying it is there, or forcing a smile. I am feeling it, moving with it, and learning from it. I am allowing this pain to teach me. Truly, nothing in our lives will change until we learn to change ourselves. So rather than resist it, ponder regrets, or keep ourselves busy in an attempt to ignore the pain until time has its way and dulls the sting, I will embrace it. I will thank God that I am able to feel it, to experience this emotion, just as Jesus was acquainted with grief, so am I. Without ever knowing the sting of pain the joy would not be as sweet. Not everyday is a spring day with the sun shining and birds chirping, even the majestic splendor of a rainbow can only be witnessed after the rain. There are days that are overcast and gloomy, days that I would rather just stay in the safe warmth of my own bed and that’s okay. I realize I only hurt because I have allowed myself to love, to hope, to dream and to believe. It is that vulnerability that enabled me to experience the joy and pleasure that came with that choice. Albeit, now I feel the pain of hopes diminished and dreams left unfulfilled at least I had that moment of happiness. To feel those butterflies in my stomach and the hope rekindled in my heart, if only for a fleeting moment, will not be filed under regrets. Rather it will be a cherished memory that brings a smile to my face and a warm glow to my spirit, as I look back on days now spent, while learning to embrace this pain.
Although, for now those hopes are dashed and today I feel that old familiar heartache, I remind myself that this will not last forever but only for a season. Once again I’ll smile and once again I will know love. Once again my hopes will burn and dreams will warm my soul. For then, because of this pain that I embrace that future day will be so much sweeter, so much richer and on that distant day I will savor it, I will cherish it, I will embrace it. As I will understand better that these days are exceptional seasons, and the times of warm sunshine on my face will once again give way to the bitter cold. I will remember that just as the months on the calender usher in new seasons, so does the moments we are given usher in the seasons of life. Each with their unique emotions, lessons and choices. Therefore, from this day forward I choose to embrace the pain.
Traits of the Proverbs 31 Woman
Satisfies her husband
Frugal & Creative
Creative Cook & Chef
Responsible (takes caring for her family seriously)
Planner (organized & a good steward of time)
Generous (with time & resources)
Provider (makes sure the needs of her family are met)
Beautiful (her home & herself are well taken care of)
Marries Well (deliberate in her relationships)
Entrepreneur & a good business sense
Strong, Dignified, Wise, Well Spoken & Kind
Manages her household diligently
Her children bless & honor her (as does her husband)
She Fears & Reverences God
Recognized by Nations Leaders
The traits of a Proverbs 31 woman, I thought were impossible to reach. However, I was wrong. We are multi-faceted people; these are the characteristics of the many layers of a Godly woman and these are the traits that God has placed within me. As I ponder them, I can see many of them present in me already. Others I know are within my spirit. I am both anxious & excited to know that this is the woman God created when He made me. This is the woman God sees when He looks at me. As I fall back into His loving arms, I know He is removing the dross of life & my true self will emerge. By the Grace of God, I am a Proverbs 31 Woman!
I sat beside you my child as you gently slept. I guarded your thoughts & dreams. I wiped away the stress of the day & watched your cares slowly melt away into the pillow. I sat all night by your side as the soft cool breeze gave way to peaceful slumber. As I watch you, my heart is overcome with the love I feel for you, infinite, unfathomable love. I would do anything for you & I have. I look forward to the morning, to our time together.
As the sun comes up it dances across the walls, your eyes slowly open & my heart jumps in jubilation. “Good morning my child! I have sat by you all night, guarding your slumber. Alas, you didn’t hear me, you stumble by me, downstairs, to get your morning coffee. Alright, first get your coffee & then we can talk about our plans for the day. I sat down at the table to wait for you. However, something else was on your mind as you finished stirring your coffee. You reached for your phone, I smile as you giggle at a Facebook posting. I love to see you laugh. You shoot off a quick email and phone a friend to confirm your lunch plans for today. I love you so much and I know how busy you get, I’m not going anywhere I’ll wait for you. Suddenly, your off the phone with a quick glance at the clock and you hurry upstairs for a shower. You have got to get to work, I understand, I’ll wait, we can talk in the car. Feverishly, you throw on your clothes, brush your teeth, run a comb through your hair and hurry down stairs. Just as your about to close the door, I whisper in your ear, “You left your phone on the table.” You stop, you must have heard me because you dash to the kitchen, grab your phone and we’re off to work.
I’m happy we will have a few moments to talk now & I slip in to the passenger seat, but as you start the car the radio is on. It’s one of your favorite songs. I smile as I watch you dance and sing your way to work. We get to work and like any other day the place is hopping. You jump right in with your smile and genuine heart to help, and I cannot help but swell with pride as I watch you serve others with so much love in your heart. I stay right beside you all day as we tackle one crisis after another, I know your tired but no one else does. You keep smiling and working unaware that I am right beside you. I am always with you.
On the way home from work, your exhausted, but your mom calls & you don’t want her to hear it. You smile and talk to her, you make her smile too. I am proud of you and it fills my heart with joy to watch you honor your mother. You get home and the kids are hungry, one needs help with homework, another can’t find her book and the dog is chasing the cat in circles. You take a deep breath, roll up your sleeves and go to work. I smile as I watch you manage your home, children and all. They can not see how tired you are, but I do. As the day draws to a close you kiss the kids & tell them you love them. I smile cause I know you do.
I watch as you lower your head on your pillow, you reach for your Bible, you whisper, “Lord, I am so tired.” You close your eyes and your thoughts begin to race,you think of all the stuff you need to do tomorrow &, all the things you think you should have done today. I watch your brows furrow and the sides of your mouth pull down. I see your worries, I wish you would give them to me. Sleep seems elusive, but I am here. You toss and you turn. I reach out my hand and touch your head, you slowly began to relax and drift off to sleep. I smile because I love you, we can talk tomorrow, don’t worry, I’ll wait….
Where was I, you asked. I was the single mom on welfare, living across the way that she looked down on, because she didn’t understand that I couldn’t go to work without being penalized, unable to buy the medicine my kids needed just to breathe. I was the same one who held her when your dad put her in the very position she despised me for being in. I was the one that stood by her with no sleep and the only one who could calm her down when you were stuck in the birth canal for 3 hours.
Where was I? I was the one who was there for her when her husband chased everyone away so he could abuse you and her in private but I refused to go away. He hated me for that. I didn’t care, I loved you guys too much to abandon you too. I was the one who stood by her, held her up and kept her strong when she summoned the courage to finally leave him. I was the one helping her pack her stuff and making room for you in my home. I was the one that was with her when we learned the ugly truth, I was the one holding you and your mom when you woke up with nightmares and tremors stole her sleep.
Where was I? I was the one that stood beside her when the church turned their back on her. The one that stood beside her through the counseling, the divorce, the endless legal paperwork, research and sleepless nights. I was the one that told her she could do it when she cried to me saying she didn’t know how to be a single mom. I was the one that served him with all the paperwork, the one who tried to have him killed when I learned what he did to you and started doing to your brother when you were no longer accessible to him.
Where was I? I was the one that stayed up all night doing paperwork and went to court with her so she didn’t have to go alone. I was the one that bought a mini-van when she lost her car so we could fit both mine and her kids in it.
Where was I? I was the one that pushed through the police and news reporters when her crazy boyfriend held your family hostage at gunpoint, and then moved you guys out of that house and back in with me to keep you guys safe. I was the one who rented a truck and left half of my stuff in Lancaster to fit your stuff in it in order to move you and your family away from the monster that continued to abuse your brother because the law refused to protect him.
Where was I? I was the one that left half of my stuff once again in Rocklin, so you guys didn’t have to leave anything of yours behind when we shared a U-Haul on our move to Arkansas. I was the one that took care of you guys when your mom went to boot camp. I was the one that left work to help your mom when she was having a mental break down because she couldn’t find a house, had a U-haul full of furniture and a truck that needed returned. I was the one that helped you get a house, unload the truck and get it returned by that evening.
Where was I, you ask? I was the one that cried alone when I lost my dog to cancer. I was the one that cried alone when my daughter was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I was the one that left the courthouse alone in tears, not once but twice, because I couldn’t hold it in and no one was there to hold my hand, stand beside me or tell me I wasn’t alone when I attempted to file for my divorce. I was the one who held my kids and cried with them when my “family” moved out of state without saying goodbye, because they “forgot about us.” I was the one on the numerous unanswered phone calls. I was the one that comforted my children on one forgotten birthday after another. I was the one that spent 3 days crying and week contemplating suicide, before my doctor put me on the first of many anti-depressant’s, because the same year I lost my husband I also lost my best friend and it seemed more than I could bear.
Where was I? I was the one driving to Denver every day for 8 days because my daughter didn’t want to live anymore, the one who took her to counseling 3 times a week for a year and a half, the one that sat beside her holding her hand in the hospital all night, afraid to close my eyes for fear that she would stop breathing when she went into respiratory failure. all because life was to overwhelming with the reality of a biological father who has never had anything to do with her, a step father who after 6 years of verbal and physical abuse finally abandoned her as well, and then her favorite aunt (who she jokingly called her real dad) slipped out of her life in the middle of the night without a word and only a random text on a rare occasion.
Where was I? I was the one who sat in ICU all night and the next day with what would later prove to be a mild heart attack, that no one called to say they cared for or tell me not to be scared. I was the one who drove to Kansas because the desperation I heard in my sister’s voice scared me and I wanted her to know I was still there for her. I was the one that brought your brother home with me and paid for his cell phone because your mom was worried about his depression and thought a little break in an old familiar place would do him some good.
Where was I? I was the one that drove 1100 miles, took a week off work, and borrowed $1000 to help my mom move because the “family” right down the street wouldn’t help her. (Her words not mine) I was the one that was only 2 minutes away after driving 1100 miles that you nor your mom could come see or even call. I was the one that sat in your living room for 20 minutes that you never even acknowledged until I asked you to say hello to me and my kids. The same one who sat there for 30 minutes before your mother stepped out of her room for 5 minutes to greet me and my kids.
Where was I, you ask? Well, now… now I am gone……
Happy Fathers Day Daddy
I wish that you were here
To see what we have all become
Since the days that you were near
I still think about you Daddy
& how many years have past
They say time heals all wounds
But this kind of pain just lasts
I don’t mind though, Daddy
I carry you in my heart
I tell my kids about you
& in our family your still a part
Would things have turned out different
If on that fateful night
You somehow wasn’t on the road
The night we lost our light
Those questions can’t be answered
But Daddy you’d be proud
The way mama held us together
Cause givin’ up wasn’t allowed
So even though I cannot see you
I wanted just to say
I really miss you Daddy
& Happy Fathers Day.
Life comes in seasons. We need to learn to embrace each season, knowing that in time this season will end & another season will begin. Each season has a reason, a lesson to learn, a seed to sow, a harvest to reap, or a life to effect. There is a divine purpose in every season. We may not always know what that purpose is, however we can find comfort in knowing that Our Father knows & He is ultimately in control. We can rest knowing His plans for us are always good, to prosper us & do us no harm. Hence, although it should be our aim to discover the purpose in each season, we should not allow the endeavor to interfere with our joy, gratitude & zest to embrace the moment & live fully in this season. Squeezing out every drip of the sweetness from the nectar of life. Today is a gift in the season of the present & it will never come again. Look intently for divine encounters that Our Heavenly Father has hidden just for us, do not let the busyness of life distract you from the beauty of it. Live intently, embrace this season. It will add color to this moment & wisdom to the next. ~
Hi I’m Katrina and welcome to KAT”S CORNER. This is my first try at blogging so any comments are welcome and encouraged. =)
I am a single mom, a student (again), I work in acute care, when I have (make) time I love to write. I have found I learn more about me through my writing. At this point in my life I am re-discovering me, God and the world we live in. Life is definately a journey and we can jump on the roller coaster, strap on the seatbelt and fly through it in high gear, which is what most of my life has been. But I have found that thrill rides are great but if you don’t get off once in a while they make you dizzy and if your not careful even sick. For me that whirlwind life, although was fun at times, came at the cost of losing myself. In this season of my life, I started to realize how much time has passed and asked myself if where I’m at today was anywhere part of my long-term plan or where I had seen myself in those, where will I be in 5,10 or 20 years from now moments? Then the stark reality hit I never dreamed I would be here, because somewhere in the hustle and bustle of the never-ending piles of laundry, the running the kids to the Dr’s, the schools, the meetings, the earning the title of Jane of all Trades but master of none, and struggling to find that forever sought after illusion of “me” time I stopped dreaming. So here I am dreaming again. My very first dream I ever had was to be a writer, hence this blog. I have gotten of the roller coaster of life that brought me here and have decided to breathe. If you would like to, then join me on my journey, share your ideas, insights and humor with me. I hope to be an inspiration and perhaps a source of enrichment and even a laugh for you. I am not sure where this will go but at least this time I am looking forward.